Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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