so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
