i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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