no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
