It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
