I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
