Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
