Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
