Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
A bitchslap is in order.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
