Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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