i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
