I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
