The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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