based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
