I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
