Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
