Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
