Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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