Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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