i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
