You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
