I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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