I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I can't put those talents on a resume
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Randomize
