I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
