I smell stomach acid.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
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