Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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