I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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