Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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