I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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