How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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