this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I woke up under a house in Key West
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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