Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
