Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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