he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We were destined to go to rehab together
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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