i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
