I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
