better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
