Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
