I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
