Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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