I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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