I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
