How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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