She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
