I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
