Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
