Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
