Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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