Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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