Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
