pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
