Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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